20141201

#1: An ending is also a beginning

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It has been a while since I was "really" doing something the last time. My recent days are filled with monotony and a slight feel of solitude. I know, I should be grateful for this time, since I can not remember, when I was really free of any obligation or schedule. But still... The feeling that I waste my time, while only "relaxing", will not just go away. Therefore I decided it is time to wake up from this comfortable embrace of dull days and silent hours. I spent way too much time alone in my head thinking about this and that without coming to an conclusion.

It has been while since I was home. And still I am not home completely. My heart lingers in a faraway place, refusing to come back and here I sit, thinking, remembering, full and still empty. I tried to organize my photos on my external hard drive and every time I start I am only able to go through some pictures and videos and before I know I just indulge myself in memories, completely forgetting time and location. I think I still need some time to sort this out.

After a year far away and seeing so much places and people, I wonder how everything can still be the same in this town and especially at home. I guess I am just too used to see something new everyday, every week and every month. And for that reason it seems so completely irrational, when something just plainly stays the same. 

My travels are over for the time being and settling down for a longer time now, is a little bit odd and unwanted, because my wanderlust is not even slightly satisfied, but I just tell myself it is for now. And I am too broke to go anywhere else anyway. For now I just try to enjoy being at home, being fed 2 meals a day and having a soft bed to sleep in.

Somehow I have a feeling that something is somehow irretrievable over. A new chapter is opening. Trying to figure out where to go next is scary without compass and map. But I guess without having a given direction any option and way is open. Even if I am scared of the future, this is kind of comforting.